This semester may just kill me. It certainly changed my perspective on passion and hard work. Some of the things I work on seem to never work out, and I definitely don’t enjoy the journey to the end results. I suppose it’s fair to say I’m in a rut.
There are five weeks left to my semester, but I’m barely holding on, and I was told I ought to know what I want to do with the rest of my life by now. Sure, I have time, but my advisors told me that I would know by this time in my life. Granted, I have some ideas, but I’m not sure.
I’m actually thinking of dropping one of my majors just because of the way the department is evolving. Modernism in literature is something so real and earnest that it is depressing, but my favourite stories are full of redemption. They incorporate the harsh realities of life in ways that leave characters hopeless and out of breath, but these characters find themselves further along than when they started, and they redeem themselves in some way. They find a reason to hope in the end, even if they forgot how to hope.
Modernism takes the view that we, as humans, can only circle back around to where we started. Everything we do is pointless. The myth of Sisyphus, King of Corinth, sums up Modernism quite nicely. This King angered the gods for being too awesome, so they cursed him with the task of rolling a specific boulder up a hill for the rest of eternity. The special boulder rolled back down to the bottom of the hill once it reached the top, so Sisyphus would have to start all over again.
How much more depressing could it get?
It is true that I haven’t lived many years, but I’ve lived more than I had a year ago. From these years, I’ve learned that we are always growing, and I honestly find it baffling that most people who support Modernism are the same intellectuals who avidly support Darwin’s theories of evolution and natural selection. If we’re always evolving and getting better than we were, how are we circling back?
Anyways, that’s where I am right now. This is a more rant-like formed post, but it needed to be said. Uncertainty is okay for now, but I look forward to when I find myself further along than where I am now.